I haven’t blogged for a long time. I don’t even know where to begin. I’ve spent the last five months trying to get a girlfriend. I won’t say I was going for just any girl, but some mistakes were made. It got so bad that I started to ask out girls who didn’t share the same faith as me. I was desperate for someone to love. I just wanted someone to hold and to love. Someone to be worth getting up on a weekend afternoon for. After around three denials, I decided that one particular girl would be it. Either she said that she liked me the same way and we would date, or she would want to stay friends. Well today I got my answer, she wanted to stay friends. I spent an hour writing and perfecting a note explaining my feelings toward her and she said it was very cute and made her feel special. But there was already someone else. So here I am writing this blog post. Thinking over the past few months and how my faith was involved. To be perfectly honest, my faith is the worst it’s been for a few years. I’m getting closer to the line of denying my faith yet again. But these denials and heart breaks (not much of a heart break if we never even dated, but it still hurt), I started to realize something.
Being in a relationship will not make me love myself. It will not fix my self loathing that I keep hidden under my jokes and remarks. It will not change my self image. From looking in the mirror and wanting to kill myself due to my weight. Being in a relationship will not make me get out of bed in the morning. Nothing I do can change the way I see myself, I can’t do it on my own. But that’s where God comes in. God’s form of love is completely different from a romantic form of love. Only God can start the repair process of my self image. Only God can start showing me his love so I can love myself.
I’ve felt so alone these past few months and I thought it was due to being single. I was wrong. I’ve felt alone because I have distanced myself from God. It’s funny actually. By pursuing what I believed to be the answer to my problem ended up making it worse. I don’t have the answers, but God does. I didn’t want give up though. I knew I was making the wrong choices. I was running from God. I have this underlying feeling that God was involved, he was keeping from dating because he knew it’s not what I need right now. I can just think of the life altering things that may have happened if I had dated. This still doesn’t change the fact that I feel horrible when I see my friends with their boyfriends and girlfriends and I’m just sitting there alone with my coffee. But I have to ask myself; What’s better? A relationship that lasts at least a week to maybe as long as a few years, or a relationship with my creator for eternity.
I haven’t prayed in weeks, haven’t read my bible in months, and I still question why my life is a wreck. I’m not saying God condemns those who don’t read their bibles or pray, but he’s not blessing you. I’m going to change, today. Not tomorrow, not next week. I have an hour before youth group, I can easily say a prayer and read a chapter or two. I better stop typing or else I’ll never do it. I’ll try to my blog updated if anything major happens. In good news, I have been slowly but surely working on improving my voice. I plan to have a voice lesson or two next week. So that’s fun.
Good morning Tumblr! How are all of my followers doing? Happy Sabbath! Don’t forget to spend some one on one time with God. Grab your bible, and get alone. I like to take walks and sit at a bench in the middle of a park close to the river near my house, there are way too many distractions in my room. (Facebook, Twitter, Tumblr, Music, Steam, and the list goes on) If you want, devote sometime to sing a few worship songs and just get into a worship mode and that might help motivate you to get into the word or talk with God. God bless everyone on Tumblr, and remember God loves EVERYBODY.